The midlife crisis is a life ruiner. It has the reputation of destroying marriages, careers, families – you name it. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
A midlife crisis stems from recognizing that you are running out of time to realize your greatest dreams and fantasies. Doors that you hoped you may one day walk through are closing or closed. In a very real sense, you are grieving the loss of lives you never took the chance to live.
Consequently, a panic sets in. If I don’t do this now I will never get the chance. Panic is the mother of haste. You may suddenly end your marriage to pursue a more exciting relationship. Or quit your job to become an actor. Or start wearing leather pants. Two out of three of those stand a good chance of making you feel like you’ve ruined a life you have carefully built and heavily invested in. The other, eh, I don’t know, maybe give it a try.
I have some advice I have given myself and others about how to successfully navigate a midlife crisis, but I want to fully emphasize that I am not a therapist nor an expert on the subject. Just a middle-aged person who reads a lot and has experienced more than one crisis of the midlife sort.
Without further ado, here are my recommended tactics.
Focus on atelic rather than telic activities
Telic activities are defined by having a definite end, while atelic activities are ongoing. For example, training for and running a marathon is telic while taking up a running regimen is atelic.
During a time of midlife crisis, you may feel the need to make distinct accomplishments, focusing your attention on telic activities. While definite goals are valuable and can have the effect of relieving feelings of stagnation, they also have the opposite effect.
The goal of a telic activity is to become finished. At which point, the goal and activity are removed from your life. Imagine your goal is to finish first in your local Ironman decathlon. You train, manage your nutrition, and organize your life around this goal. When you finally achieve it, you are elated and feel enormously accomplished.
But your goal is gone. You arranged your life according to the achievement and, while you were successful, you are likely to feel some loss and a sense of disorientation until you find another all-consuming goal.
It is not that telic goals should be absent from your life, but atelic goals should be abundant to ensure stability and fulfillment.
Atelic goals don’t have to be blurry or vague – they just don’t have an end. Make goals like walking the dog every day, having dinner with friends once a month, or completing an Audible book each week.
Avoid rash decisions – but do make small, significant changes
If something drastic – like ending your marriage, quitting your job, or selling your house – is a new idea, occurring to you during this period of crisis, DON’T DO IT. Recognize it for what it is, a feeling that if you don’t make major changes soon you’ll never get the chance. It might not be, and very likely is not, an objective decision based on facts.
However, if you are feeling a strong compulsion to make a change, you SHOULD make some changes. Change your hair, your wardrobe, or take up CrossFit. Start writing poetry or playing basketball. Start a YouTube channel. Do things that make you feel different, and that make your life look and feel different.
Stick to changes for which the consequences are low if it doesn’t work out and you decide to scrap it.
Maybe you’ll have to make another expensive hair appointment (why did you choose blue?) or stick it out with the B-Ball team until the end of the season.
But you can undo it. Good luck trying to get your job or your spouse back, if you know what I mean.
Be constructive and not destructive
Think in terms of adding to your life rather than eliminating. Instead of cutting out a friend, make new friends. Instead of selling your guitar, set it aside in favor of another hobby. The addition of new items will inevitably push old ones away, but not out.
This advice is in line with avoiding rash decisions. You very well may decide after a time that you liked things as they were – your old friends and hobbies. You may even swing from wanting to recreate yourself completely to wanting to settle into your old, steadfast self. Leave bridges unburned for painless travel across them.
Remind yourself of what is BIG PICTURE important to you
While you grieve the loss of lives unlived, it is easy to diminish the life you chose and forget why you chose it.
Make a list of things for which you hope to be remembered. This activity will ground you as you seek to add satisfaction to your life and minimizes your chance of severe regret.
What kind of person are you and what do you value? Ensure that the decisions you are making during this time are aligned with your overall life goals.
Don’t create a crisis for your loved ones
Keep communication with your significant other and other loved ones widely open during this time. A common concern from spouses of the afflicted is that they don’t recognize the person they are with anymore. Show understanding and compassion as you ask for the same. Understand that while you are going through this, you are inevitably putting them through this as well.
Discuss what you need, ask for latitude and indulgence for a short time – but don’t be selfish.
What you are going through is a passing phenomenon that will not stay with you for the rest of your life. AND you are likely to be on the other side of similar situation at some point. Keep your head on straight.
Plan an adventure for yourself
If you do not have a bucket list, consider making one.
Whether you have a specific item in mind or not, this is a good time to plan an adventure for yourself. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? A safari? A backpacking trip? Maybe you’ve always thought you would visit relatives in Ireland or climb a 14’er. Even something simple like a road trip through a national park can do the trick.
Ensure this adventure does not cause significant disruption to your relationships or career, but be bold. Oftentimes doing something for yourself that you consider important is not a dealbreaker for anyone. Getting your support system onboard might be easier than you think. Work toward this goal.
Talk to someone
Cliche, I know. Too often people internalize their struggles to appear strong and in control. The reality is that openly managing a situation looks stronger, and is stronger, than pretending not to struggle. Don’t overestimate your ability to hide it.
A therapist is an obvious choice and offers the benefit of a professional opinion and legitimate treatment. But this is not your only option.
Maybe you have one of those wise friends with whom you can engage in deep conversation. Commit to spending some time with this person.
Consider joining a local or remote-meeting group. This can be a group built for addressing the midlife crisis but it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it’s a book club, a bible study, or a wine-tasting group. If it’s packed with other middle-aged folks, it’s bound to be a source of knowledge and inspiration. Can’t find a group? Start one!
The midlife crisis has only been discussed as a phenomenon for the last 50 years or so and has been taken seriously by mental health professionals for an even shorter time than that. It is a common ailment affecting many, and consequently is becoming an acceptable life stage with more and more resources available to help navigate it.
With a little bit of attention and focus, the midlife crisis can be handled quite elegantly with little negative disruption to one’s life. It may even bring about greater life satisfaction.
If you like this post, try some of these others:
Four Reasons to Make a Midlife Career Change
Generation X Can Make Their Dreams Come True
Love your blog. In this article about midlife crisis I believe there is a typo: third paragraph of telic/atelic should be the goal of Telic experiences is to be finished. You wrote atelic, which you later explain to be nebulous and ongoing.
I like what you wrote also in another article about not knowing what you want to do… yet by writing all this, you are just doing what you do and being you. It’s more than most people who “do something” are doing.
Will keep reading 🙂
Thank you for pointing that out! I have made the fix. And I appreciate your readership! I hope you continue to find enjoyable posts as I continue to work on the blog. You can probably tell it’s on the new side 🙂